For my Angel

I see the clouds rolling in and oh how it looks like rain
And it is always I fight for the welcome change
When it rains it pours on this heart of mine
So, I take the storms I feel to her each time.

But I know she has lived under her own pouring rain
Yet under her water her heart still doesn't change
She can walk away from what hangs overhead
And, not in her storm, are words left unsaid.

Not in her storm have I ever felt alone
Her storm ends, so I, may find my way home
It's for me that she pushes away her own rain
So, that I may find comfort in calling her name.

She lives in this world for the sake of another's heart
God, how she eases the miles when worlds apart
And she never wanders when your world falls through
Not ever in her storm would she do this to you.

She has wings that I know not only I can see
Cause only an angel could find strength to carry me
It's the way that the eyes can surely view
How her heart's written so clearly in what an angel can do.

Not in her storm is her work ever done
And even in her storm she hands me the sun
When her world is dark - I always have light
And now how I hold the new color of night.

She takes then she gives to an unhappy face
So that many can find an awesome place
I have been able to love her more every day
And with her hand in mine the clouds roll away.

Not in any storm that I will ever live beneath
Could ever change what I hold here inside of me
Not in any of her storms have I lost my angels touch
To that angel out there, I love her so much.

MAKE A WISH.

But don't tell me what it was. If you tell me your wish, it won't come true and why would you make a wish you don't want to come true?

It's funny that we're encouraged to keep our greatest desires to ourselves, as if how other people judge them can corrupt the purity of a wish that you can silently work to success. And yet we criticize the people who keep to themselves and do what they want to. Perhaps because there's a certain point where our desires become immoral, distasteful, or hurtful and we need someone to convince us to let them go. We can't let the things we want run wild, but to keep them in check could destroy them. As much as we know that there are certain things that society says that we shouldn't lust after, who wants to destroy an idea that entertains in such a wildly fascinating manner? And even keeping silent can destroy the brilliance of desire, admitting that it wouldn't be accepted by friends, or even by strangers. And then desire turns to fear. I want you to know, but I can't tell you because what if you reject my idea? And sometimes even scarier: what if you accept it?

I don't like lucid dreaming because it gives me too much control. And although my desires aren't necessarily clear when I'm not in control of my thoughts, it just seems so much more honest than when I mentally destroy them by menial dissection. So often I lose track of what I want based off of how other people react and taking all of that into account. When I really want something, I'll either be so secure that I'll tell absolutely everyone I come into contact with or else so nervous about losing my way that I'll keep it silence, spent on no one. The times that I hit an in-between, I'm only unsure and losing ground pretty quickly, usually in finding that something I was so certain of had a couple of loopholes, missing footholds, and plenty of room for that desire to fall apart. But maybe it's supposed to happen that way.

Desire. Wishes. Silence.
I wish that I understood.

A soul without a sanctuary.

I have no special place,
a ghost without a home.
A vagabond, a wanderer,
a lost soul made to roam.
No solace under a great oak tree,
no freedom among the radiant wildflowers.
I have a broken mirror,
an empty hallway,
a vacant lot where I stand,
steam sizzling off busted black concrete,
burning flat feet
and urging them on.
Sanctuary is the broken air in my lungs,
the tired treading of restless feet.
Sanctuary is not buried or plotted,
but ashen, blackened, and scattered to the winds

A note to you.

Ok so this was an experiment. I looked up the titles of a bunch of Vertical Horizon songs, wrote them down on a list in an order, and tried to write an entire piece just going from thought to thought and title to title. It was sort of spontaneous.
---

A note to you.

I'm clearly not everything you want. I understand that. You're the best I have ever had. To me you were always really more of a god, something that was never tangible no matter how hard I gripped your hands or securely held your arms or long I kept your lips. No shackle proved strong enough and that's ok because I'm still here. And you're not. And I've learned that that's ok because you fleetingly change like a muse and more than anything you're a shooting star, the one that leaves all the other stars behind; and as terrible as that is to feel, it's a terrible beauty because that fact that you're shooting through my life like a bullet or some sort of canon ball designed to leave the foundations as they are but completely useless in function, is what makes you beautiful. It's rooted in your nature and unraveling that thread from all the others to keep you will destroy just what I'm fighting so hard to keep.

So this is my resignation. An understanding resignation devoid of bitterness but a resignation all the same. Goodbye again. As much as you are a woman and strong and independent this really is the story of a girl who will never grow old or change and that's fine. Once you catch wildlife and catch it the beauty of the freedom it once held dwindles and all you have left is a crushed soul. And as much as I love that soaring, racing, stubbornly independent wildlife, capturing and imprisoning it is too vile for me. So while I'm tempted I'm going to do this to save me from myself.

Doing this, I realize I'll never know all of you. There are going to be frontiers I have not explored, moments I won't ever know with this angel without wings. And I'm barely breathing, drawing hesitant breaths but unable to drag myself down in my steps and keep me in this familiar place. Walking away is so much harder to do than being left behind because it's voluntary but I have to give you back on this grey sky morning where nothing shines and nothing darkens, the sky caught between darkness and light and indecision. But here it is, my heart in my hand, as I leave this miracle. I was lucky to have a chance but I'll be unfortunate if I stick around.

So here I am, taking this powerful, long, graceful blackbird and sending it up, myself shackled here to the ground. She's so high as I return to my sunrays and saturdays. She soaks underwater in the diffraction of light and all the different hues, watching me with regret as I trudge back across an empty marsh to a place where it's dry. It's neither of our faults. I just need something ordinary and need something extraordinary. I'm normal and you are anything but simple which is so strange because the things I love about you are why we can't be together.

When you cry, I normally stand there, watching as the world falls down with your sorrows but only you are untouchable by falling bricks and cracked concrete. I get struck and I bruise. I get cut and I scar. These differences won't go away no matter how you say you'll change. I've never asked you to. We'll just rest forever in that echo of what used to be. I clearly can't have you as you are and I don't want you to be anything else. So here is where I leave you, where I take my hand in my heart and leave this other world to return back to reality. Maybe I didn't know it at the time but I could never survive forever in your world, beyond you there is nothing to sustain me and I'd rather not be this parasite. Thank you for the odd moments and the untouchable days. Something tells me you will find everything you want and I hope to find something that I need. Yours truly

I need you to love me.

Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn't you see what I did?
In my shame I want to run and hide myself .
But it's here I see the truth .
I don't deserve You.

But I need You to love me, and I
I won't keep my heart from You this time
And I'll stop this pretending that I can
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need You to love me

I have wasted so much time
Pushing You away from me
I just never saw how You could cherish me
'Cause You're a God who has all things
And still You want me

Your love makes me forget what I have been
Your love makes me see who I really am
Your love makes me forget what I have been

Entries and Exits.

It’s incredible how people take the liberty of walking in and out of your life as it pleases them. Some people attribute this to a certain flexibility or fluidity of life. I kind of like that idea. It’s optimistic. It says shit happens and people leave but sometimes it’s a break rather than an exit. But then again pessimism tends to speak for itself in its daunting way, towering over you with its shadows and gloom. It says, your life is open because it’s a safe spot rather than a necessity. You’re a mat and you let them walk right in, brushing off the dirt and burrs and constantly polishing your message of welcome. Both, I would say, apply to me. I think that I am in some ways a doormat and I am in some ways open to the idea that people can come and go because I think no two lives are the same unless you force them to be and you should live according to individual, not group will. If your individual will says to stick with a group, a family, sure. But people cannot be faulted for pursuing their own meanings instead of sticking to your path where you pursue yours.

So it makes sense in both ways to me. I understand why people come and go but at the same time I think people, some of them, have taken that open invitation a little too freely. I just try not to make life plans. Life goals, sure. They aren’t permanent and can shift according to your changing feelings. Like plans are like roadmaps and if you designated only so many roads to get to where you want you’re bound to them and taking any other roads would be going in the other direct. I like general things, not specific, which could explain my commitment issues in a way. But hey, nobody is perfect. Better reluctance than forcing somebody into commitment, right?

This all was sparked more by a previous commitment, an ex deciding, once again, that she can’t not have me and that she wants to be in my life again. I gave her permission to stick around as a friend but that’s about the extent of it. I have learned to accept her presence but to be open to the possibility that she might be just dropping in. And that’s fine. If somebody should be in my life he/she will stay or return. If not, that’s fine. Part of growing up is learning that the world does not center around your life and sometimes the people you love want to see different parts of it. Doesn’t mean I don’t care about those people or lessen history. History is history and no more tangible than time. It is what it is. It just means I have to learn to be patient and understanding with people because it’s a fact of life, not always pleasant but there you have it. Many mandatory aspects of life aren’t.

IDEA.

How cool would it be to write a novel about a Narnian sort of world through the means of a character telling bedtime stories to a child?

Right now I am sort of working on something to that effect, just a short story or a sketch right now but I just thought of that. Sort of a cross between Narnia and Where the Wild Things Are.

I might post what I am working on later. We'll see where it goes.