Entries and Exits.

It’s incredible how people take the liberty of walking in and out of your life as it pleases them. Some people attribute this to a certain flexibility or fluidity of life. I kind of like that idea. It’s optimistic. It says shit happens and people leave but sometimes it’s a break rather than an exit. But then again pessimism tends to speak for itself in its daunting way, towering over you with its shadows and gloom. It says, your life is open because it’s a safe spot rather than a necessity. You’re a mat and you let them walk right in, brushing off the dirt and burrs and constantly polishing your message of welcome. Both, I would say, apply to me. I think that I am in some ways a doormat and I am in some ways open to the idea that people can come and go because I think no two lives are the same unless you force them to be and you should live according to individual, not group will. If your individual will says to stick with a group, a family, sure. But people cannot be faulted for pursuing their own meanings instead of sticking to your path where you pursue yours.

So it makes sense in both ways to me. I understand why people come and go but at the same time I think people, some of them, have taken that open invitation a little too freely. I just try not to make life plans. Life goals, sure. They aren’t permanent and can shift according to your changing feelings. Like plans are like roadmaps and if you designated only so many roads to get to where you want you’re bound to them and taking any other roads would be going in the other direct. I like general things, not specific, which could explain my commitment issues in a way. But hey, nobody is perfect. Better reluctance than forcing somebody into commitment, right?

This all was sparked more by a previous commitment, an ex deciding, once again, that she can’t not have me and that she wants to be in my life again. I gave her permission to stick around as a friend but that’s about the extent of it. I have learned to accept her presence but to be open to the possibility that she might be just dropping in. And that’s fine. If somebody should be in my life he/she will stay or return. If not, that’s fine. Part of growing up is learning that the world does not center around your life and sometimes the people you love want to see different parts of it. Doesn’t mean I don’t care about those people or lessen history. History is history and no more tangible than time. It is what it is. It just means I have to learn to be patient and understanding with people because it’s a fact of life, not always pleasant but there you have it. Many mandatory aspects of life aren’t.